Are You "Real" Yet?
Do you remember the Velveteen Rabbit? He wanted to be Real, not just another toy in the nursery. The little stuffed rabbit was inspired to dream of being Real by the Skin Horse, a battered old toy who seemed very wise and experienced to the little Rabbit. In spite of the Skin Horse's raggedy appearance, he was the one that the Boy loved most.
Sometimes, like the Velveteen Rabbit, many stepparents long to be accepted and included more. We want to be Real.
The old Skin Horse gives some pretty good advice for those who want to become "real." I think it applies to stepparents as well as toys.
"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's something that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."
"It doesn't happen all at once,' said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept."
If you're a stepparent who is already Real, congratulations! If you don't feel quite Real yet, hang in there.
Try not to break too easily. Don't take things so personally. Have a sense of humor.
Watch out for any sharp edges you may have. Be aware of what pushes your buttons. What situations are you most likely to respond to with anger, criticism, or impatience. You can make requests and set limits, but it is your job to manage your reactions.
Don't require such careful tending that you can't be loved well. Be ready to roll up your sleeves, get down in the floor, get wet. Loosen up now and then. Be approachable.
And relax! The magic of becoming real is likely to happen when you least expect it. One day, your stepchild will want you with them while they throw up, and then you'll know...
Practical Summer Checklist for Stepparents:
___ Daycare, camps, or programs that your stepchildren will be attending this summer have what they need in order for you to pick the kids up. (Hint: For young children, the parent may need to put you on the list.)
___ You have the authorization to get medical treatment for the children in your care. (Hint: You may need written authorization in some cases.)
___ You know whether or not you can take the children for a routine medical visit.
___ You know about the children's health insurance, and have access to any documentation that you might need for medical visits.
___ You know which type of permission forms you can sign, and which ones need a legal guardian's signature. (Most stepparents are not legal guardians.)
___ If you are planning to travel alone with your stepchild, you have any written permissions that you need. (If you are traveling outside the U.S. with a minor child, you may need a notarized statement from a parent at customs checks. Also, in some custody agreements, children are not supposed to travel out of the state or country without the other parent's approval, etc.)
Love is Blind: Mis-Step #3
Being in love has a way of bringing out the optimist in us. And so, with the best of intentions, couples who marry with children already in the mix make mistakes. We are exploring one of those in this Love is Blind series so that maybe you can avoid a mis-step that surprises many couples.
Mis-Step #3. The couple doesn’t recognize how the past is going to factor into their family.
Maybe you can relate to some of these situations (names have been changed):
- Tim discovered that he was very uncomfortable with the pictures of his wife’s ex-husband that were peppered through the family photo albums.
- As a new bride, Amy was shocked that her husband’s ex-wife continued to pop in for unannounced visits with the kids as she’d been doing before the marriage.
- Kathy felt surprised and guilty that she went through another round of grief when her ex-husband married again.
- Nicholas is keenly aware of being in the shadow of the children’s father who passed away.
The reality of loving each other means dealing with the whole person, history and all. Whether they are actively present or not, former spouses and the history of each person before the new relationship will crop up in some way or another from time to time. It’s just part of the package.
To deal with this reality, make agreements to help each other out.
For example, Tim talked with his wife about how tough it was for him to see pictures with her and her ex-husband looking happy and surrounded by the children. She could understand that, but family pictures had always been important to her and her children. In fact, she wanted more pictures of Tim with her and the kids out where they were visible. Their digital pictures weren’t as accessible as the old photo albums. They agreed to turn their current digital photos into albums, too. Now Tim is in the family albums, and he is able to put the old pictures in perspective.
You can use the things that creep in from the past as opportunities to heal more, to grow closer to each other, and to strengthen your family’s bonds. The key is to respect the past and to discover what matters now in the current reality. It isn’t always easy, but it is always worth it.
