What Are the Kids Thinking?

Teenage Girl

Children of all ages are likely to have some questions and concerns, even when they are really excited about their parent's new partner.

Here are some common things children may be wondering:

Will my mom/dad have time for me now?
Do I matter as much now? (Recognize that if you will be living with your partner’s kids, but not with your own, this may be a really big question.)
How will it be now that my new stepmom or stepdad lives with us?
What does it mean to have a stepmom or stepdad?
If I really like this new person, am I being disloyal to my mom (or dad)?
How do I fit in with the other kids in the family now? (Birth order can go out the window!)

The really tricky thing is that if they don’t get answers from the adults around them, they will also arrive at their own answers. And they will base their behavior on whatever answers they have.

On their own, many children think up answers like these:

Will my mom/dad have time for me now? Not likely!

Do I matter as much now? Probably not.

How will it be now that my new stepmom or stepdad lives with us?

Everything will change.

Nothing will change. it will be just like when he or she visited before.

What does it mean to have a stepmom or stepdad?

They'd better not try to be my mom (or dad)!

Yippee! Now that I have a new mom or dad, all kinds of things will be better for me.

Am I being disloyal to mom/dad if I like this other person? Yes

In light of answers like these, a child’s resistance – and their accompanying difficult behavior – may make a little more sense. You can see how important it is to address the child’s concerns rather than leaving them to their own devices. The way that you frame your answers to them will have a big impact on their adjustment and the relationships in your new family.

How to help your child adjust to the changes they are facing:

Listen to your child. Make room for questions and worries.
Reassure the children that they are important and loved.
Have patience as your child adjusts.
Share the vision you have for your family, including their part in it.
Help them understand that you have plenty of love to go around, and they do, too. They can accept the new adult and any new step-brothers and sisters without taking love away from their other parent.
Require them to treat all the new family members with respect, but realize that developing close relationships takes time.
Speak respectfully about their other parent.
Make it a point to have individual time with your child.
Maintain daily rituals that help kids have a sense of normalcy and stability in this new situation.
Encourage some one-on-one time with the new adult in the family.
When it is appropriate, involve them in making plans and decisions that affect them.
Encourage participation in family activities, but don’t push it all the time, especially for older kids.

The StepFamily by Design program and coaching can help you work with your children through their adjustment to the new family members.